Life, part two

Our (really my) poor little blog has seen a reduction in the everyday life updates as of late. Since beginning this little blog, I've occasionally questioned why I write in this space and who reads it, etc and usually come to the realization that it's mostly for me. I do like to provide updates for the family and friends who visit my blog space. The truth is though, I like being able to keep track of the everyday stuff in life. This little blog facilitates the documentation of our lives and because I prefer blogs with pictures, I find myself taking pictures of all the bits of our lives to include with the updates about the smaller-every-day-sort-of-things.

Then, there are times when those updates feel silly and meaningless, bordering on frivolous. The importance of curtain fabric or our bathroom remodel pale in comparison to other parts of life. And when you (my handful of blog readers) see fewer updates it is because a truly important part of life has taken center stage. And that's really where I've been the last few months - dealing with life.

For us, right now, life is a little different than what we imagined. After two and a half months of doctor's appointments, a medical procedure, and tons and tons of tests, we know this: becoming parents in the traditional way is not going to happen for us.

As we know that most of our readers are friends and family, we want you to know a few things.

First, we are ok. My last post describes all the reasons why we are ok. But you should know that this is the beginning of a new journey for the two of us, individually and as a couple, and we are taking our time with this knowledge. We have really hunkered down (don't you love that phrase?) as a family and tried to spend as much time over the last few weeks just being together, checking in, processing, and supporting one another.

Together, we are good. Individually, at this point and to be perfectly honest I would say the husband is fairing a bit better than me. Helping him are personal qualities and strengths that I do not have or am unable to access within myself right now. Through this process and other experiences in my life, I've learned that I like to know I'm moving forward - moving forward is what helps me manage life - and when I do not feel like I'm moving (when I feel stuck), it is harder for me. Right now I am not moving. The things I've done to try to help myself with this have not helped. I am sad. I want to talk about this and at the same time do not. I want people to know (I hate secrets) but I don't want the look or the pity. I thought knowing (the testing mentioned above) would help me but often it instead feels like a secret burden. You know, like I guess I'll keep going to work like I'm the same person, when clearly I'm not. I can feel this slow change process within myself and I'm scared and worried that the outcome of this process will be negative. I could literally say a thousand things here and not cover ALL of my thoughts and feelings.

I guess the second part of all of this is what's next for us as it relates to growing our family and this goes back to that feeling stuck thing I just mentioned. We are trying to work through how we think we want our family to look in the future and the remaining options for getting us to that point. We don't know exactly what's ahead for us and it looks like it will be some time before we make any decisions about that. These decisions are so very complicated and I anticipate it taking a good amount of time for us.

So there you have a snippet of things from us. We are simply here, living each day and trying to figure out what's next for us. I anticipate getting back to some regular blogging at some point but honestly I don't have it in me right now. I just don't seem to care about a lot of it right now AND I've been super busy with work. I'll be sure to do an update about some new professional stuff soon and about the bathroom as it is our main house thing this year.

Thanks, as always, for reading and supporting us! :)