Compartmentalizing

Compartmentalizing is a counseling term that means separating ideas in your mind. It can be both positive and less-than-helpful. I like to think of it as taking thoughts and putting them in different 'boxes' in your mind so they might be more easily managed. However, it is what I tend to lean on when things are emotionally challenging - putting thoughts away that may bring up strong emotions. And is apparently what I did for the first couple of weeks after my grandfather died.

My 'boxes' have failed me recently though. Or maybe I'm more ready to grieve a little now that things have quieted a bit for me at home and in my heart and mind. Either way, I've found the last two weeks or so to be more challenging, and me more sad.

I ran out of tissues at work a few months ago but haven't bothered to bring in a new box. And so last week when I felt a bit sad and couldn't harness the tears, I had to reach for tissues in my purse. They were the tissues my mom gave me for the funeral. I don't use tissues frequently and so it seems that I've only used these tissues for Pa, once or twice a week, usually alone at work or in the car.

Then this past weekend we went to a wedding. Now most of you know I love a wedding. However, this wedding wasn't quite the same for me. It was the wedding of one of the husband's cousins and was the first time I had been a part of a family gathering (albeit my family by marriage). I was of course so very happy for the couple and their friends and family but also very sad. The last time I was with my family was when Pa died and the next time I will see my family will be my cousin's wedding in September. And then, as if my poor compartmentalizing skills weren't failing me enough, at the reception I was seated across the table from the only grandparents at the event - directly across from the groom's grandfather. I was surprised at how emotion this brought up. This grandfather was older and appeared to be experiencing some memory lapses along with some significant pain at times. In his discomfort and pain I could only see the discomfort and pain that Pa experienced his last day. In this world where we often strive for uniqueness and success, I am struck by how similar our lives all begin, and then end. 

There are of course times when I smile at the thought of Pa, sharing an encouraging word or, even more likely, giving Honey a hard time. He would say "Mother" in this way that could communicate more than any sentence. And though I do smile at these thoughts,  it doesn't seem to ease the sadness right now. But I suppose with time it will. And I hope it does for each of my dear family members as well.