An update on that which is rarely spoken of

Sorry for the huge radio silence here at the messes blog. The blog has received little attention in the past few weeks because of school stuff. I had my dissertation proposal seminar last Tuesday. With the preparation for that, I've been unable to devote much time to anything else.

The whole dissertation and PhD thing is kind of confusing so I thought I would give an update on where I am in the process.

Last week was a big milestone. In my department, you write three chapters of the dissertation (introduction, literature review, and methodology) and complete a pilot study before proposing. At the proposal seminar, you present your pilot data to the faculty of the department and receive feedback. That is what I did last week. And it went well! It feels great to know that the work I've done on this has resulted in some progress.

The next steps are to make any changes (recommended during the seminar) to my research study, complete a full study, analyze the data and write a chapter on the results and a chapter discussing all of that mess.

I don't often speak (write) about what this process has been like for me because it has felt like one of my greatest disappointments (maybe even on the verge of failure). Everyone including myself expected that I would finish in three years and every month since then has seen a little bit more of my confidence dwindle away. I have become abundantly aware of the fact that often this process has nothing to do with me and that I have no control over any of it, which has only made this so much worse.

Proposing this past week gave me back a little of what I've lost over these years. I am so relieved to be one more step further along in this process. In many ways I feel so much better. The weight of this process has diminished a bit. I have renewed confidence in myself and in my ability to finally finish this thing.

I am so very grateful for the support from the few who knew in advance. Sometimes I'm a little superstitious and felt like if I told everyone it wouldn't happen or I would fail. So, I apologize for not putting it out there but with the way this process has gone, I needed luck on my side!

I'm glad to be back and I'll be sure to update you more often here!